Saturday, April 30, 2011

Thoughts of Home

Its been almost 5 months since my grandmother, Mary Holmes, passed away. As crazy as it may seem to some I have tried my hardest not to let myself get too emotional about it. A few weeks ago, however, I was going through my old cell phone to get my contacts together for my new phone and noticed that I have not yet removed her number. Found it very hard to select the delete button. I suppose a part of me feels that if I finally delete it then it finalizes her being gone.

My grandfather, all 3 of my grandmothers, and my mother are all gone now. My heart feels so...broken. How I wish my mother was still here to be apart of Little Ernest and Robert's life. I never really realized until she was gone, although she drove me nuts and pissed me off, she was my best friend. We talked about everything. I miss her sarcastic jokes and encouragement. Proof that almost 12 years doesn't end your grief. When I think about things I discovered that the one person I told everything too is gone. Despite our issues I was never as open with anyone other than my mother. And since every single deep thought is held within. Sad I know.

And now with my grandmother gone going back home to Denver doesn't feel the same anymore. At her funeral my eyes looked at the city I was born and raised in a whole different way. Still have most of my family there and no plans to be gone for good. I love them and miss them all. Hard to see myself not going back. It just that without both my mom and grandmother there its just not the same. Doesn't feel right. Feels empty and lonely to me now.

I suppose it all has me thinking of the "Good 'ol days when they were alive. All the family get-togethers for absolutely no reason except to spend time together. Us in a room while our parents got drunk and played Spades, Dominoes, or Bid Whist. Times me and my cousins spent in the summer swimming, making money at Safeway helping people with their groceries, BBQs at the park, or walking downtown to the 16th Street Mall to window shop. I miss watching my grandmother plant her garden or bring her painting to life with every brush stroke. I miss watching movies with my mother that I wouldn’t otherwise watch. I miss those moments when I was a little girl going fishing with my grandparents, sitting on my grandfather’s lap while watching a Bronco game, getting annoying drunk kisses from my mother while she sang her favorite songs.

All great memories I will always cherish and one day share with all my boys. Now I can make new memories with them and all my in-laws, but it makes me sad to know that home will never be the same to me. Home will always be there waiting for me with open arms I know this, but I know from now on I will be looking at it with completely different eyes.

Random Pictures from My Grandmother's Funeral
You might be expecting photos of the actual service, but I didn't want myself or anyone else having memories such as this. Keeping memories of her life is what matters.

My Little Cousin's Birthday Party
My little cousin had her birthday party the day after my grandmother's funeral. It was a much needed time for us to relax and have fun at a moment of grief.


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